In the last entry on the first 5 years I talked about a lot of things briefly. In this part I want to touch one of those a little more in depth; being consistent!
I am not sure how much weight is appropriate for this one but it seems to be somewhere in the neighborhood of a gazillion pound boulder!! Being CONSISTENT is HUGE! There is nothing that confuses, breeds frustration, anger, apathy, even rebellion faster than inconsistency.
When a parent is inconsistent with ANYTHING, affection, discipline, time, guidance, words, it forces the child to guess and try to anticipate with expectations that when they aren't met cause the child to distrust the parent which in later years is devastating.
Discipline
When it comes to discipline consistency is paramount to get the desired result otherwise the child will keep trying the unwanted behavior like a craps game. Hey, sometimes the dice roll a lucky number and they get away with it, sometimes they crap out! Why not give it a shot? Consistency in discipline gives them the same result EVERY time so they know they have hit a dead end with that one. As they grow they learn it's more about principles than specific behaviors. Parental consistency then gives them a track to make decisions without you because you've ingrained in them a powerful regularity. You must break the unwanted behavior without breaking the child. Consistency does that...more on this topic in part 48 or something like that.
Affection
Consistency in affection is also crucial. The child needs to learn that they are loved no matter what and at any and all times of the day. Consistent hugs, kisses, playful times, words are a constant reinforcement in the relationship so that even when discipline is necessary they have learned that you love them even in the midst of being displeased with the behavior. When they know you are loving them even when you're disciplining them, you have won a TREMENDOUS victory!
This area is especially crucial as kids grow up. I remember when our girls were moving into those developmental years. Sandra had me read an article that I think preserved my relationship with the girls through these awkward years.
We had ALWAYS played and wrestled together but it was getting a bit strange as these little girls were becoming women and well, it was just strange. You know what I mean. The article said, "Make sure, as the father, you do not change anything about how you show affection toward your girls in this special time. They are already feeling strange and awkward and they need you to be consistent. If you act differently toward them it will confirm in their minds that they really are abnormal."
That made total sense to me. So all through the strange years, we continued to wrestle, hug, hold hands, play, sit on laps, chase etc...all the stuff we always did. It worked. The other consistency stuff helped too but we avoided making out daughters feel like freak because they knew with mom and dad they were the same as they always had been.
Words
Be consistent with your words. I write letters to all three kids. I started years ago and I won't stop. Sometimes for special occasions, sometimes when they've done something I noticed was cool, sometimes just because. I tell them I love them, am proud of them and I am specific about that. Not just in letter form but verbally too. I like them to have the letters though as a lasting record of my affection.
Personal Consistency
Your own life must be consistent too. Nothing makes a kid more crazy than a hypocritical parent. "DO as i say not as I do!" Are you kidding me? That's a recipe for a really awful family stew. Your words and your actions must match. Do not tell them to do something you will not do. Do not forbid them to do something you freely do. OF course there are some limits of age. Some things are not meant for children that adults are fine to do. But that must be explained to them so they know you're not inconsistent, you're just making them wait until they are more mature.
Treat your spouse consistently too. Kids love you both. You'll really mess their heads up by mistreating each other in front of them. If you're going to fight, do it behind closed doors.
Hold your temper too. Let them know that they don't have to fear your volcanic eruptions. Be even, consistent so their focus will be on the behavior, not their fear of you.
Spiritually
Your child will learn how to follow Jesus by how you follow Him. It's our choice! How do you want them to follow? Consistently or inconsistently? Church was and is not an option. Prayer time? Not an option. Biblical guidelines for life? Not an option. Everything is based on God's Word, your life and theirs. If you're inconsistent you are teaching them it's not a big deal. How tragic.
Consistency is so important and will solve so many problems as your kids age.
The other day we were talking to one of the kids and it was said, "I really wanted to do (such and such) but I didn't." "Why didn't you ask?" "Because I already knew what the answer would be!!" Perfect. It was true. Consistency had taught them so clearly that they knew what was good, bad, compromising etc just by the constant response to that and similar issues. They had learned and it was so nice to know that some dramas were being avoided because they already knew the answer.
I think you'll enjoy being YOU more too when your life is consistent. Enjoy!
In His grip,
Greg
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