Last time I checked in I talked about the importance of prayer when you're raising kids. It's a must because who of us knows what the heck we're doing? In this part, of how ever many there will be, I want to take us back to the beginning and focus on the importance of training your kids well in their first 5 years. I'm convinced that if you build strong habits and boundaries when they are little, when they are older they will already have those things in them instead of trying to teach them then.
Part 2 The First 5 years
Proverbs says, "Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are older they will not depart from it."
I know for some of you this is a, "Great! It's a little too late for that! The alien forces have already taken my child and replaced her with this 15 year old invader!" It is WAY harder to try and apply solid principles later in the game though not hopeless. I'll talk about that in a future entry. But for those of you who can start now while your little lovers are young it's so much better.
Erik was maybe 8 months old and you could see it in him; s-t-u-b-b-o-r-n-e-s-s!!! One morning I was getting ready for church and I was polishing my shoes. He saw what I was doing and crawled over intent on getting into the black shoe polish. I gently picked him up and tucked him a few feet away with a "No, no, son." He looked at me with not so much defiance but with what seemed like a, "Really? Are you serious dad?" Like I didn't get it. Immediately upon his hands and knees hitting the floor he turboed right back to the shoe polish. This time I grabbed him a little more forcefully to show him I meant business and used a little firmer tone. "No Erik. Don't touch." I might as well have been Charlie Brown's mother's voice on the phone to him....wah, wah, wah wah waaaaahhhh. Boom, he hit the ground and right back to the polish.
Now I was half laughing inside but I knew we were at a critical place. Was he going to learn that with enough persistence he could wear me down or was I going to teach him that when I say "No" I mean it and no amount of effort will change my mind? I knew that I must teach him that I can outlast him and nothing he does will make me bend.
He reached out for the polish again, smack, little tap on the back of his hand but hard enough to make him feel it. He was SHOCKED! He looked up at me with eyes that said, "Wha..wha..dude? Don't you see I want the polish??" He reached out again, smack. A little harder now to let him know I meant business. He started to cry. Oh I hate when they push you to actually make them cry but the battle was in full force now and I couldn't back down.
This next time he didn't look at the polish but WHILE HE WAS STARING INTO MY EYES he reached out for it again. He was trying to intimidate me at 8 months!!! He got the same results...smack on the back of the hand. This went on for maybe 8 or 9 tries, big alligator tears running down his cheeks yet he still reached out again and again always with the same result from me. Until I took him in my arms and told him "no" once again and carted him out of the room.
You might ask, "Why didn't you just take him out at the beginning and avoid the whole scene?" I could have but I didn't even know it WAS a conflict until we were in it and then I was beyond the point of no return. He had to be taught that he cannot push me to the place where I will give in to his will.
The girls had similar battles whether it was bed time, waking up at night, temper tantrums, bickering, you name it! All the stuff that kids do that we, as parents, are given the responsibility to train out of them. I'm happy to say that while the kids are not perfect at all we never really had the crazy teenage years with any of our kids. They never really went wild with rebellion or anything like that. I'm convinced today that it is because we worked so hard building strong principles and structure into them in those first 5 years.
Here are a few things we learned that I think are absolutes:
1. Be CONSISTENT!
There is nothing that will confuse and frustrate your child more than inconsistency. They need to know where their boundaries are and that they are not movable or negotiable. Let your yes be yes and your no be no every time! Do NOT e weak on this! Remember you're the parent and they need you!
2. Say it one time and then follow through.
I have never understood the thing where parents tell their kids something and then when they don't obey the parent starts counting, "1, 2,..." then somewhere between 2 and 3 the kid obeys. WHAT IN THE WORLD? Why would we teach our children that it is OK to disobey 3 times (at initial ask, at 1 and at 2) before they finally obey?
Tell them what you want. Demand immediate obedience. If obedience is not given, follow through with consequences AT ONCE and do not compromise. Your children MUST learn that your word is unbreakable and if they violate it they will pay. It's their choice. Oh and when possible, discipline them in private. Don't humiliate them but let them know you don't like what they did but you respect their feelings.
3. Spend lots and lots of time having fun and laughing.
We always wanted our kids to obey, but not because it was demanded but because they didn't want to mess up the relationship. For that to happen you have to have a relationship. Everyday when those guys were little and even still with a 20 year old, 19 year old and 15 year old I still do it. We wrestle, laugh, tickle (the older they get they hate this but I don't care!), roll on the floor, hide and seek in the house, go to the park, go to the beach. We played a LOT and laughed a LOT! Bed time was so fun with piggy back rides, laughing, fun and prayer. The love is deep and they, now and then, feel the greatest pain is not from punishment but from violating the wonderful love we share.
4. Dinner time.
We read somewhere that one of the key things to developing healthy family and healthy kids was the time to touch base and talk daily. Dinner time was that key time. We always had family meal time and used that time to laugh, discuss, be together. Now as they are older and their lives are busy it's tougher but we try still.
5. Car rides.
I know it's way easier. Put on the DVD in the car while on a road trip and we get peace and quite. Well, I'd rather have chaos than have kids who never learn to get along. Car rides are great for talk, giggling, game playing, questions etc. A lot of times the kids don't remember the destination but the car rides and how much they enjoyed them.
6. When you have to discipline, tell them why and then love lots after ward.
It hurts when you have to discipline your child but some of the best times are the long hugs, kisses and "I love yous" that follow. Let them know it is their behavior that you had to punish but you will never stop loving them.
7. Be affectionate.
John Trent in his book "The Blessing" touches on this key point. Hold them a lot. Kiss them a lot. Cuddle them. Tell them you love them. Physical and verbal touches are healthy nutrients to a soul. Today my teenage daughter still holds my hand, IN PUBLIC! I still kiss my 19 year old son...yea the shoe polish kid! It's a blessing that God has given and it starts young!
8. Do not compromise spiritual things even at young ages.
Night time prayers, Bible memory games, church etc etc. Teach the kids that everything you do is because God guides us this way. Let nothing be left up to opinion. Give them a foundation that is greater than yourself. My kids don't even like going on vacation now because it means they have to miss church. Great problem.
I think there are more things to talk about here but I'm going to stop for now. For all of you with young children or those planning on having them, these principles will work but it takes EFFORT! Parenting is not for the lazy or the cowardly. I can tell you from experience, if you fight for them while they are young you will be less likely to fight with them when they are older.
In His grip,
Greg
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