On August 3rd I spoke a message titles, "Why I Don't Believe in Dating". I anticipated questions, some confusion and most likely some resistance to the concepts that counter our culture. In the next few blog entries I want to address various questions that I have received in hopes of helping parents, teens, young adults and anyone else in a dating situation wade through these tricky and often turbulent waters.
Does not dating mean I can never like someone? If I do what do I do with those feelings?
This question typically comes from a teenager who sees his or her friends pairing off and presumably enjoying a good, healthy relationship with another person. During those teen years the sexual drive is revving up and the interest in the opposite sex is coming alive. Feelings are real and they do happen. The important this is to realize that the feelings are normal and expected. What we do with those feelings is an entirely different thing.
1. The feelings are normal. For parents and teens alike it is crucial that you have open communication with each other so you can talk about these feelings when they come up. I know my children and it was not difficult to see a change in one of them when a certain person was around. The feelings were obvious by the change in behavior. These feelings are not sinful nor should they be rebuked or punished. The key issue at this stage is managing those feelings.
The Bible says that the fruit of the Spirit is self control. (Gal. 5:22) The Bible also says that God has given us power, love and a sound mind or a mind that is controlled. (2 Tim. 1:7) This time of adolescent feelings provides the perfect opportunity for a young person to begin to learn, with the help, support and guidance of parents and youth pastors, how to practice self control.
In the Song of Solomon, the wise king writes three times, "Don't awaken love until it so desires." A young teen or even an older teen or young twenties person is not ready for love to be awakened because they are not yet ready to make a life commitment.
2. Communicate. As mentioned above, communication, good communication is essential at this time. You have to be able to talk honestly if you're going to walk with your child through this season. This season will last until they marry so be ready to be in it for the long haul. However, once you have successfully navigated the first few crushes I hope your child will be able to make some wise decisions on their own. But you must talk, talk and talk some more.
Feelings can deceive and control too. So you must have a clear understanding that you will excercise the freedom to look at emails, facebook, text messages etc. This is not an attempt to snoop not is it born out of mistrust. It is just a simple fact, when you're infatuated with someone, those feelings are powerful and will draw the person into all kinds of secrecy and dishonesty. Help your kids by keeping the communication open.
Feel free to talk with your child and the other person too. Talk about the importance of keeping your feelings under control and how God wants to preserve them both. Help them by leading them with a positive caring example.
3. Encourage healthy relationships in the family. If there is a mutual affection between your child and another and they are of the "dating" age help them remain friends by inviting the relationship to be lived out honestly with your family. Shunning the person when feelings arise has not been a strategy that I've seen work well to preserve a friendship once the crush wears off. My wife and I encouraged our kid's friends to come over any time and be with us. It made it easier to help if that was needed and gave us the opportunity to get to know the king of person our kids have affection for. When the time comes, my blessing will be required on any relationship that leads to marriage. Better to start the education process early by being involved in the love lives of your kids.
4. Pray. Pray for wisdom. Pray for discernment. Pray for protection. Pray for purity. Pray for your kids. Pray with your kids. There isn't a lot to comment on here because it is just that simple. Pray and pray a lot for your kids and ask God for supernatural wisdom in dealing with these relationships.
5. Be clear and consistent with expectations and boundaries. It's important that in your communication you show your child and their friend what a non-dating friendship looks like. Be very clear what is in bounds and out of bounds. Then be prepared to hold them to it without compromise. This is no time to be flexible. The heart of your child is involved. You want to keep them safe? Be clear and consistent. If they need to be pulled back then pull them back. It's hard but it's better than the alternative of them losing their heart and suffering real hurt.
6. Spend a lot of time with your child. I found that one of the greatest joys of parenting is growing with my kids. I learn from them a lot. They learn from me too. It's a myth that the teen years must be hard. They don't need to be. They can be a joy. Be involved. Spend a lot of time with them. Enjoy them.
Next post I'll talk about some specific steps to take when you feel you have met the right person and now you want to move toward marriage....I'll be praying for you.
In His grip,
Greg
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