This is the second entry on the subject of dating and how to find the person for you, GOD'S WAY!
The question often comes up: "What if I am at the place where I am ready to start courting a person? What do I do? How do I do that when I haven't dated them? How do I get to know the person better and move from that friendship stage to the romantic stage?
I'd like to defer to Josh Harris' book, "I kissed dating goodbye." He does an excellent job at laying out some steps on how to take the next step.
1. Remember your relationship responsibilities.
At this stage it is important that your thinking is not on you but on the other person. Remember in any relationship you're involving 3 distinct relationships; you and the person you're interested in, you and the people around you, you and God. Make sure you take into account every relationship before moving forward.
Ask yourself:
What's your relationship with this person? They are a child of God
What's your responsibility to this person? My responsibility is to enhance and not detract from what God is doing in his/her life.
What's your responsibility to the people around you? My responsibility is to portray Christ-likeness in everything I do especially my relationships.
What is your responsibility to God? I am responsible to keep my way pure and serve Him and love Him with all of my heart.
2. Seek a deeper friendship.
It's a mistake to think that developing a romantic, exclusive relationship means you've deepened. The sooner you release your romantic feelings your objectivity will begin to fade.
The next step in moving closer to marriage is to deepen the friendship.
How do I develop a deeper friendship. Here are some ideas:
Look for ways to include each other in your regular daily lives. You want to see them and for them to see you in life as it really is, not in some false, disguised dating life.
Serve together. Invite to spend time at home with your family. Do a ministry together. All the while not to let your romantic feelings take the reigns.
Avoid doing things that will fuel the romantic feelings. Avoid talking about how you feel about each other, how you miss each other or how your future might look. Just focus on the friendship.
It will take patience and self control but if the relationship does not progress you've preserved a friend.
3. Watch, wait and pray.
This is a confusing and stressful time, this time of moving beyond friendship. It will take great patience and lots of prayer. I always say, "You can NEVER go too slow." Don't rush in, fools do that. Watch and wait and pray.
See the counsel of a few older, trusted, mature Christian friends. Spend time and get their take on the relationship. There is wisdom in seeking counsel from an objective source. These friends should include your parents, pastors, mentors and friends.
Ask yourself, "Is this person of the quality that I would marry? Am I ready to make that commitment?"
You can answer the questions of readiness this way:
a. Does this relationship agree with God's Word? Is the other person a Christian?
b. Are you ready for the responsibilities of marriage financially, emotional, mentally and spiritually?
c. Do you have the approval of the above mentioned friends and family?
d. Do you have a peace from God in your heart that this is right?
4. Define the purpose of marriage.
As you're moving closer you must revisit the whole reason for marrying in the first place.
Make sure you understand God's roles for the male and female according to God's Word. Make sure you are clear about direction and the priority of your lives as believers.
Finally then state your purpose. Guys, this is your time to step up. Have the boldness to state your intentions to win her heart. Make your plans known to her and ladies make your response to him perfectly honest! This is no time to be coy. He is going out on a limb and must have honesty. If both agree then the next step.
5. Honor your parents.
Show respect to the people responsible for each of you. Go to your parents together and include them in the courtship now established. Then go to your pastors and get their covering and guidance for you. Ask those you are seeking approval from to ask you pointed questions and to scrutinize your intentions and thoughts.
No matter what response you get from parents and pastors, be prepared to honor them. As you honor the authorities in your life, you are honoring God.
6. Test and build the relationship in real life settings.
Now it's time to start the exciting time of building the intimacy in the relationship but now this process has a purpose vs the random pursuit of infatuation most common in relationships without direction. This closer intimacy should be purposeful in it's pursuit of marriage, protected against sexual temptation and accountable to parents and pastors.
Spend more time together and begin the process of getting to know the real person by conversation, practical life activities and ministry service. Engage in activities that will allow you to learn about each other in a deeper way.
7. Engagement
The period of intimacy building should last only as long as it takes for the couple to be certain that they are ready to be married. This moment comes when the times of observing, mentoring and praying are satisfied. All lights are green and God has blessed you with peace in your hearts. It's time to pop the question.
Now you must, more than ever, keep a close watch on your physical relationship. Intimacy has grown, your hearts are connected and your desires for each other will be STRONG! You must keep accountability and your boundaries secure lest you make it so far and then violate one anothers trust just before the finish line. When you are married you will be blessed with the purity of enjoying each other for a lifetime. Hold out a little longer and the greater prize is yours!
Thanks Josh for those great ideas. This is a powerful time in your life and honestly very hard to walk because of the pressure our culture places on people. Always remember, do things God's way and you'll never be disappointed!
You're all loved!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Q & A on Dating and Relationships
On August 3rd I spoke a message titles, "Why I Don't Believe in Dating". I anticipated questions, some confusion and most likely some resistance to the concepts that counter our culture. In the next few blog entries I want to address various questions that I have received in hopes of helping parents, teens, young adults and anyone else in a dating situation wade through these tricky and often turbulent waters.
Does not dating mean I can never like someone? If I do what do I do with those feelings?
This question typically comes from a teenager who sees his or her friends pairing off and presumably enjoying a good, healthy relationship with another person. During those teen years the sexual drive is revving up and the interest in the opposite sex is coming alive. Feelings are real and they do happen. The important this is to realize that the feelings are normal and expected. What we do with those feelings is an entirely different thing.
1. The feelings are normal. For parents and teens alike it is crucial that you have open communication with each other so you can talk about these feelings when they come up. I know my children and it was not difficult to see a change in one of them when a certain person was around. The feelings were obvious by the change in behavior. These feelings are not sinful nor should they be rebuked or punished. The key issue at this stage is managing those feelings.
The Bible says that the fruit of the Spirit is self control. (Gal. 5:22) The Bible also says that God has given us power, love and a sound mind or a mind that is controlled. (2 Tim. 1:7) This time of adolescent feelings provides the perfect opportunity for a young person to begin to learn, with the help, support and guidance of parents and youth pastors, how to practice self control.
In the Song of Solomon, the wise king writes three times, "Don't awaken love until it so desires." A young teen or even an older teen or young twenties person is not ready for love to be awakened because they are not yet ready to make a life commitment.
2. Communicate. As mentioned above, communication, good communication is essential at this time. You have to be able to talk honestly if you're going to walk with your child through this season. This season will last until they marry so be ready to be in it for the long haul. However, once you have successfully navigated the first few crushes I hope your child will be able to make some wise decisions on their own. But you must talk, talk and talk some more.
Feelings can deceive and control too. So you must have a clear understanding that you will excercise the freedom to look at emails, facebook, text messages etc. This is not an attempt to snoop not is it born out of mistrust. It is just a simple fact, when you're infatuated with someone, those feelings are powerful and will draw the person into all kinds of secrecy and dishonesty. Help your kids by keeping the communication open.
Feel free to talk with your child and the other person too. Talk about the importance of keeping your feelings under control and how God wants to preserve them both. Help them by leading them with a positive caring example.
3. Encourage healthy relationships in the family. If there is a mutual affection between your child and another and they are of the "dating" age help them remain friends by inviting the relationship to be lived out honestly with your family. Shunning the person when feelings arise has not been a strategy that I've seen work well to preserve a friendship once the crush wears off. My wife and I encouraged our kid's friends to come over any time and be with us. It made it easier to help if that was needed and gave us the opportunity to get to know the king of person our kids have affection for. When the time comes, my blessing will be required on any relationship that leads to marriage. Better to start the education process early by being involved in the love lives of your kids.
4. Pray. Pray for wisdom. Pray for discernment. Pray for protection. Pray for purity. Pray for your kids. Pray with your kids. There isn't a lot to comment on here because it is just that simple. Pray and pray a lot for your kids and ask God for supernatural wisdom in dealing with these relationships.
5. Be clear and consistent with expectations and boundaries. It's important that in your communication you show your child and their friend what a non-dating friendship looks like. Be very clear what is in bounds and out of bounds. Then be prepared to hold them to it without compromise. This is no time to be flexible. The heart of your child is involved. You want to keep them safe? Be clear and consistent. If they need to be pulled back then pull them back. It's hard but it's better than the alternative of them losing their heart and suffering real hurt.
6. Spend a lot of time with your child. I found that one of the greatest joys of parenting is growing with my kids. I learn from them a lot. They learn from me too. It's a myth that the teen years must be hard. They don't need to be. They can be a joy. Be involved. Spend a lot of time with them. Enjoy them.
Next post I'll talk about some specific steps to take when you feel you have met the right person and now you want to move toward marriage....I'll be praying for you.
In His grip,
Greg
Does not dating mean I can never like someone? If I do what do I do with those feelings?
This question typically comes from a teenager who sees his or her friends pairing off and presumably enjoying a good, healthy relationship with another person. During those teen years the sexual drive is revving up and the interest in the opposite sex is coming alive. Feelings are real and they do happen. The important this is to realize that the feelings are normal and expected. What we do with those feelings is an entirely different thing.
1. The feelings are normal. For parents and teens alike it is crucial that you have open communication with each other so you can talk about these feelings when they come up. I know my children and it was not difficult to see a change in one of them when a certain person was around. The feelings were obvious by the change in behavior. These feelings are not sinful nor should they be rebuked or punished. The key issue at this stage is managing those feelings.
The Bible says that the fruit of the Spirit is self control. (Gal. 5:22) The Bible also says that God has given us power, love and a sound mind or a mind that is controlled. (2 Tim. 1:7) This time of adolescent feelings provides the perfect opportunity for a young person to begin to learn, with the help, support and guidance of parents and youth pastors, how to practice self control.
In the Song of Solomon, the wise king writes three times, "Don't awaken love until it so desires." A young teen or even an older teen or young twenties person is not ready for love to be awakened because they are not yet ready to make a life commitment.
2. Communicate. As mentioned above, communication, good communication is essential at this time. You have to be able to talk honestly if you're going to walk with your child through this season. This season will last until they marry so be ready to be in it for the long haul. However, once you have successfully navigated the first few crushes I hope your child will be able to make some wise decisions on their own. But you must talk, talk and talk some more.
Feelings can deceive and control too. So you must have a clear understanding that you will excercise the freedom to look at emails, facebook, text messages etc. This is not an attempt to snoop not is it born out of mistrust. It is just a simple fact, when you're infatuated with someone, those feelings are powerful and will draw the person into all kinds of secrecy and dishonesty. Help your kids by keeping the communication open.
Feel free to talk with your child and the other person too. Talk about the importance of keeping your feelings under control and how God wants to preserve them both. Help them by leading them with a positive caring example.
3. Encourage healthy relationships in the family. If there is a mutual affection between your child and another and they are of the "dating" age help them remain friends by inviting the relationship to be lived out honestly with your family. Shunning the person when feelings arise has not been a strategy that I've seen work well to preserve a friendship once the crush wears off. My wife and I encouraged our kid's friends to come over any time and be with us. It made it easier to help if that was needed and gave us the opportunity to get to know the king of person our kids have affection for. When the time comes, my blessing will be required on any relationship that leads to marriage. Better to start the education process early by being involved in the love lives of your kids.
4. Pray. Pray for wisdom. Pray for discernment. Pray for protection. Pray for purity. Pray for your kids. Pray with your kids. There isn't a lot to comment on here because it is just that simple. Pray and pray a lot for your kids and ask God for supernatural wisdom in dealing with these relationships.
5. Be clear and consistent with expectations and boundaries. It's important that in your communication you show your child and their friend what a non-dating friendship looks like. Be very clear what is in bounds and out of bounds. Then be prepared to hold them to it without compromise. This is no time to be flexible. The heart of your child is involved. You want to keep them safe? Be clear and consistent. If they need to be pulled back then pull them back. It's hard but it's better than the alternative of them losing their heart and suffering real hurt.
6. Spend a lot of time with your child. I found that one of the greatest joys of parenting is growing with my kids. I learn from them a lot. They learn from me too. It's a myth that the teen years must be hard. They don't need to be. They can be a joy. Be involved. Spend a lot of time with them. Enjoy them.
Next post I'll talk about some specific steps to take when you feel you have met the right person and now you want to move toward marriage....I'll be praying for you.
In His grip,
Greg
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
