Are You Contagious?
Contagiousness. That's a word, a thought that is very lonely. When the cold and flu season is upon us and you've got that cough you might as well shout, "Unclean, unclean!". Nobody wants to be around you then. Why? They don't want what you've got! You're contagious.
You've got to stay in a room by yourself and only those with protective masks and rubber gloves have the courage to come in to see you, and mothers of course. (mothers are impervious to everything!) No one wants to talk to you, touch you or breathe the same air you breath. You're contagious.
Now, what if you're contagious with something everyone else wants? Wouldn't that have the opposite effect? Suddenly, everyone wants to be around you! They can't stay away! They come looking for you! You can't find a quiet place unless it is the middle of the night while everyone else is sleeping. Everyone wants to touch you, talk to you, and invite you to their homes. They can't get enough of you, you're contagious!
Jesus was that kind of contagious person. Just read the gospels. He couldn't even move at times, the crowds were so great. They didn't necessarily know what it was that he had but they knew that when Jesus was around they loved it. Maybe it was a healing. Sometimes it was his words. The kids couldn't stay off of him. The only private time he got was when he escaped into the night while Israel slept. Jesus was contagious.
When Jesus poured out the Holy Spirit on the disciples in the book of Acts, they became contagious too. Thousands wanted to be a part of this amazing thing they called the church. Even those who shied away secretly wanted to be with this bunch. This early church was contagious.
Sure, this kind of things brings its share of problems. Persecution did rise up from those in competition for the attention of the masses, but what a small price to pay for that kind of contagious life.
Are you contagious?
Are we, as a church, contagious?
Do people seek us out like they did Jesus and the Acts church?
If not, why not?
On Sunday March 25 and April 1, I am going to preach 2 messages on "Becoming a Contagious Christian." If you think about it, that title is redundant. "Contagious Christian" is saying the same thing twice. We are Christians therefore contagious.
Be ready to change! Be ready to be a carrier! Be ready to be all that God intended you to be! Be ready to be contagious!
You are loved!
In His grip,
Greg
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Monday, May 2, 2011
Marriage, Family and LIfe by the Seat of Your Pants; Part 4 Balance
Sandra, my wife, is an audiologist. That's a person who knows A LOT about your hearing and how the ear works. It's amazing to me that if a little fluid is not right in your inner ear it can really make your life miserable. You will lose total balance - seriously, falling down, like drunken stupor type stuff if your inner ear doesn't work right. Such a little part of the body makes such a BIG difference.
In family life, balance is REALLY important and that balance is maintained by a whole bunch of little and some not so little things. When you're living life by the seat of your pants, let me tell you, balance is HUGE!
For me the biggest balance was between being fun and being the disciplinarian.
In our family, I like to be the fun one. Hey somebody has got to be!! What I've learned though, is a healthy balance between the two keeps the child safe. Kids WANT boundaries! They are scared, especially when they go through the puberty years and they want to know SOMEONE is driving this thing! They also want to enjoy you and I know you want to enjoy them. So balance is necessary.
There is nothing better than getting on the floor with your kids, romping, laughing, tickling, wrestling - until someone gets hurt which has to happen! If no one gets hurt it wasn't a good game! When the kids were little that was a nightly routine! Loved it!! It still happens now as they are young adults, it's just me that gets hurt now!
The balance comes in when the kids start to misunderstand your fun. They will quickly think you're one of their buds and forget that you are to be respected and honored too. That's the balance. The honor and respect must remain while you're having fun. You do that by holding your lines on principles and confronting immediately and firmly when lines have been crossed.
I remember standing in the foyer of our church talking to a father of a 7 year old boy. We were having a good chat when from out of our periphery this little ninja comes soaring in and throws a flying kick to his dad's hip. I mean this kid let him have it. I expected Newton's Laws of Motion to take effect - with every action there is an equal and opposite reaction - and watch this little Jackie Chan get flung against the nearest wall. My mouth hung open as the dad regained his balance and with a proud pat on Jackie's head said, "Wow, nice kick son!" Huh? wha...? This dad wanted to be the fun playful dad and you could see they had some good times together as the son felt the freedom to display. What he did not have was the respect to control his behavior in an inappropriate time and place. There was no balance. Kids don't understand boundaries, they need to be taught. Without them they will throw themselves head or feet first into some really unhealthy directions.
The kids will learn a great lesson about authority and about God with this balance. God is our loving, wonderful Father who is with us and for us always. He is also the holy God who cannot be taken lightly. This balance strengthens both of those important sides of our relationship. The child will learn self control and the discernment when and where they can be free with some behaviors and when the time and place is inappropriate. They realize that the fun isn't bad but the context is everything!
I hope you'll all have wonderful fun with your kids and teach them the balance necessary for them to be fun adults too.
In His grip,
Greg
In family life, balance is REALLY important and that balance is maintained by a whole bunch of little and some not so little things. When you're living life by the seat of your pants, let me tell you, balance is HUGE!
For me the biggest balance was between being fun and being the disciplinarian.
In our family, I like to be the fun one. Hey somebody has got to be!! What I've learned though, is a healthy balance between the two keeps the child safe. Kids WANT boundaries! They are scared, especially when they go through the puberty years and they want to know SOMEONE is driving this thing! They also want to enjoy you and I know you want to enjoy them. So balance is necessary.
There is nothing better than getting on the floor with your kids, romping, laughing, tickling, wrestling - until someone gets hurt which has to happen! If no one gets hurt it wasn't a good game! When the kids were little that was a nightly routine! Loved it!! It still happens now as they are young adults, it's just me that gets hurt now!
The balance comes in when the kids start to misunderstand your fun. They will quickly think you're one of their buds and forget that you are to be respected and honored too. That's the balance. The honor and respect must remain while you're having fun. You do that by holding your lines on principles and confronting immediately and firmly when lines have been crossed.
I remember standing in the foyer of our church talking to a father of a 7 year old boy. We were having a good chat when from out of our periphery this little ninja comes soaring in and throws a flying kick to his dad's hip. I mean this kid let him have it. I expected Newton's Laws of Motion to take effect - with every action there is an equal and opposite reaction - and watch this little Jackie Chan get flung against the nearest wall. My mouth hung open as the dad regained his balance and with a proud pat on Jackie's head said, "Wow, nice kick son!" Huh? wha...? This dad wanted to be the fun playful dad and you could see they had some good times together as the son felt the freedom to display. What he did not have was the respect to control his behavior in an inappropriate time and place. There was no balance. Kids don't understand boundaries, they need to be taught. Without them they will throw themselves head or feet first into some really unhealthy directions.
The kids will learn a great lesson about authority and about God with this balance. God is our loving, wonderful Father who is with us and for us always. He is also the holy God who cannot be taken lightly. This balance strengthens both of those important sides of our relationship. The child will learn self control and the discernment when and where they can be free with some behaviors and when the time and place is inappropriate. They realize that the fun isn't bad but the context is everything!
I hope you'll all have wonderful fun with your kids and teach them the balance necessary for them to be fun adults too.
In His grip,
Greg
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Marriage, Family and Life by the Seat of Your Pants: Part 3 BE CONSISTENT!
In the last entry on the first 5 years I talked about a lot of things briefly. In this part I want to touch one of those a little more in depth; being consistent!
I am not sure how much weight is appropriate for this one but it seems to be somewhere in the neighborhood of a gazillion pound boulder!! Being CONSISTENT is HUGE! There is nothing that confuses, breeds frustration, anger, apathy, even rebellion faster than inconsistency.
When a parent is inconsistent with ANYTHING, affection, discipline, time, guidance, words, it forces the child to guess and try to anticipate with expectations that when they aren't met cause the child to distrust the parent which in later years is devastating.
Discipline
When it comes to discipline consistency is paramount to get the desired result otherwise the child will keep trying the unwanted behavior like a craps game. Hey, sometimes the dice roll a lucky number and they get away with it, sometimes they crap out! Why not give it a shot? Consistency in discipline gives them the same result EVERY time so they know they have hit a dead end with that one. As they grow they learn it's more about principles than specific behaviors. Parental consistency then gives them a track to make decisions without you because you've ingrained in them a powerful regularity. You must break the unwanted behavior without breaking the child. Consistency does that...more on this topic in part 48 or something like that.
Affection
Consistency in affection is also crucial. The child needs to learn that they are loved no matter what and at any and all times of the day. Consistent hugs, kisses, playful times, words are a constant reinforcement in the relationship so that even when discipline is necessary they have learned that you love them even in the midst of being displeased with the behavior. When they know you are loving them even when you're disciplining them, you have won a TREMENDOUS victory!
This area is especially crucial as kids grow up. I remember when our girls were moving into those developmental years. Sandra had me read an article that I think preserved my relationship with the girls through these awkward years.
We had ALWAYS played and wrestled together but it was getting a bit strange as these little girls were becoming women and well, it was just strange. You know what I mean. The article said, "Make sure, as the father, you do not change anything about how you show affection toward your girls in this special time. They are already feeling strange and awkward and they need you to be consistent. If you act differently toward them it will confirm in their minds that they really are abnormal."
That made total sense to me. So all through the strange years, we continued to wrestle, hug, hold hands, play, sit on laps, chase etc...all the stuff we always did. It worked. The other consistency stuff helped too but we avoided making out daughters feel like freak because they knew with mom and dad they were the same as they always had been.
Words
Be consistent with your words. I write letters to all three kids. I started years ago and I won't stop. Sometimes for special occasions, sometimes when they've done something I noticed was cool, sometimes just because. I tell them I love them, am proud of them and I am specific about that. Not just in letter form but verbally too. I like them to have the letters though as a lasting record of my affection.
Personal Consistency
Your own life must be consistent too. Nothing makes a kid more crazy than a hypocritical parent. "DO as i say not as I do!" Are you kidding me? That's a recipe for a really awful family stew. Your words and your actions must match. Do not tell them to do something you will not do. Do not forbid them to do something you freely do. OF course there are some limits of age. Some things are not meant for children that adults are fine to do. But that must be explained to them so they know you're not inconsistent, you're just making them wait until they are more mature.
Treat your spouse consistently too. Kids love you both. You'll really mess their heads up by mistreating each other in front of them. If you're going to fight, do it behind closed doors.
Hold your temper too. Let them know that they don't have to fear your volcanic eruptions. Be even, consistent so their focus will be on the behavior, not their fear of you.
Spiritually
Your child will learn how to follow Jesus by how you follow Him. It's our choice! How do you want them to follow? Consistently or inconsistently? Church was and is not an option. Prayer time? Not an option. Biblical guidelines for life? Not an option. Everything is based on God's Word, your life and theirs. If you're inconsistent you are teaching them it's not a big deal. How tragic.
Consistency is so important and will solve so many problems as your kids age.
The other day we were talking to one of the kids and it was said, "I really wanted to do (such and such) but I didn't." "Why didn't you ask?" "Because I already knew what the answer would be!!" Perfect. It was true. Consistency had taught them so clearly that they knew what was good, bad, compromising etc just by the constant response to that and similar issues. They had learned and it was so nice to know that some dramas were being avoided because they already knew the answer.
I think you'll enjoy being YOU more too when your life is consistent. Enjoy!
In His grip,
Greg
I am not sure how much weight is appropriate for this one but it seems to be somewhere in the neighborhood of a gazillion pound boulder!! Being CONSISTENT is HUGE! There is nothing that confuses, breeds frustration, anger, apathy, even rebellion faster than inconsistency.
When a parent is inconsistent with ANYTHING, affection, discipline, time, guidance, words, it forces the child to guess and try to anticipate with expectations that when they aren't met cause the child to distrust the parent which in later years is devastating.
Discipline
When it comes to discipline consistency is paramount to get the desired result otherwise the child will keep trying the unwanted behavior like a craps game. Hey, sometimes the dice roll a lucky number and they get away with it, sometimes they crap out! Why not give it a shot? Consistency in discipline gives them the same result EVERY time so they know they have hit a dead end with that one. As they grow they learn it's more about principles than specific behaviors. Parental consistency then gives them a track to make decisions without you because you've ingrained in them a powerful regularity. You must break the unwanted behavior without breaking the child. Consistency does that...more on this topic in part 48 or something like that.
Affection
Consistency in affection is also crucial. The child needs to learn that they are loved no matter what and at any and all times of the day. Consistent hugs, kisses, playful times, words are a constant reinforcement in the relationship so that even when discipline is necessary they have learned that you love them even in the midst of being displeased with the behavior. When they know you are loving them even when you're disciplining them, you have won a TREMENDOUS victory!
This area is especially crucial as kids grow up. I remember when our girls were moving into those developmental years. Sandra had me read an article that I think preserved my relationship with the girls through these awkward years.
We had ALWAYS played and wrestled together but it was getting a bit strange as these little girls were becoming women and well, it was just strange. You know what I mean. The article said, "Make sure, as the father, you do not change anything about how you show affection toward your girls in this special time. They are already feeling strange and awkward and they need you to be consistent. If you act differently toward them it will confirm in their minds that they really are abnormal."
That made total sense to me. So all through the strange years, we continued to wrestle, hug, hold hands, play, sit on laps, chase etc...all the stuff we always did. It worked. The other consistency stuff helped too but we avoided making out daughters feel like freak because they knew with mom and dad they were the same as they always had been.
Words
Be consistent with your words. I write letters to all three kids. I started years ago and I won't stop. Sometimes for special occasions, sometimes when they've done something I noticed was cool, sometimes just because. I tell them I love them, am proud of them and I am specific about that. Not just in letter form but verbally too. I like them to have the letters though as a lasting record of my affection.
Personal Consistency
Your own life must be consistent too. Nothing makes a kid more crazy than a hypocritical parent. "DO as i say not as I do!" Are you kidding me? That's a recipe for a really awful family stew. Your words and your actions must match. Do not tell them to do something you will not do. Do not forbid them to do something you freely do. OF course there are some limits of age. Some things are not meant for children that adults are fine to do. But that must be explained to them so they know you're not inconsistent, you're just making them wait until they are more mature.
Treat your spouse consistently too. Kids love you both. You'll really mess their heads up by mistreating each other in front of them. If you're going to fight, do it behind closed doors.
Hold your temper too. Let them know that they don't have to fear your volcanic eruptions. Be even, consistent so their focus will be on the behavior, not their fear of you.
Spiritually
Your child will learn how to follow Jesus by how you follow Him. It's our choice! How do you want them to follow? Consistently or inconsistently? Church was and is not an option. Prayer time? Not an option. Biblical guidelines for life? Not an option. Everything is based on God's Word, your life and theirs. If you're inconsistent you are teaching them it's not a big deal. How tragic.
Consistency is so important and will solve so many problems as your kids age.
The other day we were talking to one of the kids and it was said, "I really wanted to do (such and such) but I didn't." "Why didn't you ask?" "Because I already knew what the answer would be!!" Perfect. It was true. Consistency had taught them so clearly that they knew what was good, bad, compromising etc just by the constant response to that and similar issues. They had learned and it was so nice to know that some dramas were being avoided because they already knew the answer.
I think you'll enjoy being YOU more too when your life is consistent. Enjoy!
In His grip,
Greg
Friday, January 21, 2011
Marriage, Family and LIfe by the Seat of Your Pants Part 2: The First 5 Years of Parenting
Last time I checked in I talked about the importance of prayer when you're raising kids. It's a must because who of us knows what the heck we're doing? In this part, of how ever many there will be, I want to take us back to the beginning and focus on the importance of training your kids well in their first 5 years. I'm convinced that if you build strong habits and boundaries when they are little, when they are older they will already have those things in them instead of trying to teach them then.
Part 2 The First 5 years
Proverbs says, "Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are older they will not depart from it."
I know for some of you this is a, "Great! It's a little too late for that! The alien forces have already taken my child and replaced her with this 15 year old invader!" It is WAY harder to try and apply solid principles later in the game though not hopeless. I'll talk about that in a future entry. But for those of you who can start now while your little lovers are young it's so much better.
Erik was maybe 8 months old and you could see it in him; s-t-u-b-b-o-r-n-e-s-s!!! One morning I was getting ready for church and I was polishing my shoes. He saw what I was doing and crawled over intent on getting into the black shoe polish. I gently picked him up and tucked him a few feet away with a "No, no, son." He looked at me with not so much defiance but with what seemed like a, "Really? Are you serious dad?" Like I didn't get it. Immediately upon his hands and knees hitting the floor he turboed right back to the shoe polish. This time I grabbed him a little more forcefully to show him I meant business and used a little firmer tone. "No Erik. Don't touch." I might as well have been Charlie Brown's mother's voice on the phone to him....wah, wah, wah wah waaaaahhhh. Boom, he hit the ground and right back to the polish.
Now I was half laughing inside but I knew we were at a critical place. Was he going to learn that with enough persistence he could wear me down or was I going to teach him that when I say "No" I mean it and no amount of effort will change my mind? I knew that I must teach him that I can outlast him and nothing he does will make me bend.
He reached out for the polish again, smack, little tap on the back of his hand but hard enough to make him feel it. He was SHOCKED! He looked up at me with eyes that said, "Wha..wha..dude? Don't you see I want the polish??" He reached out again, smack. A little harder now to let him know I meant business. He started to cry. Oh I hate when they push you to actually make them cry but the battle was in full force now and I couldn't back down.
This next time he didn't look at the polish but WHILE HE WAS STARING INTO MY EYES he reached out for it again. He was trying to intimidate me at 8 months!!! He got the same results...smack on the back of the hand. This went on for maybe 8 or 9 tries, big alligator tears running down his cheeks yet he still reached out again and again always with the same result from me. Until I took him in my arms and told him "no" once again and carted him out of the room.
You might ask, "Why didn't you just take him out at the beginning and avoid the whole scene?" I could have but I didn't even know it WAS a conflict until we were in it and then I was beyond the point of no return. He had to be taught that he cannot push me to the place where I will give in to his will.
The girls had similar battles whether it was bed time, waking up at night, temper tantrums, bickering, you name it! All the stuff that kids do that we, as parents, are given the responsibility to train out of them. I'm happy to say that while the kids are not perfect at all we never really had the crazy teenage years with any of our kids. They never really went wild with rebellion or anything like that. I'm convinced today that it is because we worked so hard building strong principles and structure into them in those first 5 years.
Here are a few things we learned that I think are absolutes:
1. Be CONSISTENT!
There is nothing that will confuse and frustrate your child more than inconsistency. They need to know where their boundaries are and that they are not movable or negotiable. Let your yes be yes and your no be no every time! Do NOT e weak on this! Remember you're the parent and they need you!
2. Say it one time and then follow through.
I have never understood the thing where parents tell their kids something and then when they don't obey the parent starts counting, "1, 2,..." then somewhere between 2 and 3 the kid obeys. WHAT IN THE WORLD? Why would we teach our children that it is OK to disobey 3 times (at initial ask, at 1 and at 2) before they finally obey?
Tell them what you want. Demand immediate obedience. If obedience is not given, follow through with consequences AT ONCE and do not compromise. Your children MUST learn that your word is unbreakable and if they violate it they will pay. It's their choice. Oh and when possible, discipline them in private. Don't humiliate them but let them know you don't like what they did but you respect their feelings.
3. Spend lots and lots of time having fun and laughing.
We always wanted our kids to obey, but not because it was demanded but because they didn't want to mess up the relationship. For that to happen you have to have a relationship. Everyday when those guys were little and even still with a 20 year old, 19 year old and 15 year old I still do it. We wrestle, laugh, tickle (the older they get they hate this but I don't care!), roll on the floor, hide and seek in the house, go to the park, go to the beach. We played a LOT and laughed a LOT! Bed time was so fun with piggy back rides, laughing, fun and prayer. The love is deep and they, now and then, feel the greatest pain is not from punishment but from violating the wonderful love we share.
4. Dinner time.
We read somewhere that one of the key things to developing healthy family and healthy kids was the time to touch base and talk daily. Dinner time was that key time. We always had family meal time and used that time to laugh, discuss, be together. Now as they are older and their lives are busy it's tougher but we try still.
5. Car rides.
I know it's way easier. Put on the DVD in the car while on a road trip and we get peace and quite. Well, I'd rather have chaos than have kids who never learn to get along. Car rides are great for talk, giggling, game playing, questions etc. A lot of times the kids don't remember the destination but the car rides and how much they enjoyed them.
6. When you have to discipline, tell them why and then love lots after ward.
It hurts when you have to discipline your child but some of the best times are the long hugs, kisses and "I love yous" that follow. Let them know it is their behavior that you had to punish but you will never stop loving them.
7. Be affectionate.
John Trent in his book "The Blessing" touches on this key point. Hold them a lot. Kiss them a lot. Cuddle them. Tell them you love them. Physical and verbal touches are healthy nutrients to a soul. Today my teenage daughter still holds my hand, IN PUBLIC! I still kiss my 19 year old son...yea the shoe polish kid! It's a blessing that God has given and it starts young!
8. Do not compromise spiritual things even at young ages.
Night time prayers, Bible memory games, church etc etc. Teach the kids that everything you do is because God guides us this way. Let nothing be left up to opinion. Give them a foundation that is greater than yourself. My kids don't even like going on vacation now because it means they have to miss church. Great problem.
I think there are more things to talk about here but I'm going to stop for now. For all of you with young children or those planning on having them, these principles will work but it takes EFFORT! Parenting is not for the lazy or the cowardly. I can tell you from experience, if you fight for them while they are young you will be less likely to fight with them when they are older.
In His grip,
Greg
Part 2 The First 5 years
Proverbs says, "Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are older they will not depart from it."
I know for some of you this is a, "Great! It's a little too late for that! The alien forces have already taken my child and replaced her with this 15 year old invader!" It is WAY harder to try and apply solid principles later in the game though not hopeless. I'll talk about that in a future entry. But for those of you who can start now while your little lovers are young it's so much better.
Erik was maybe 8 months old and you could see it in him; s-t-u-b-b-o-r-n-e-s-s!!! One morning I was getting ready for church and I was polishing my shoes. He saw what I was doing and crawled over intent on getting into the black shoe polish. I gently picked him up and tucked him a few feet away with a "No, no, son." He looked at me with not so much defiance but with what seemed like a, "Really? Are you serious dad?" Like I didn't get it. Immediately upon his hands and knees hitting the floor he turboed right back to the shoe polish. This time I grabbed him a little more forcefully to show him I meant business and used a little firmer tone. "No Erik. Don't touch." I might as well have been Charlie Brown's mother's voice on the phone to him....wah, wah, wah wah waaaaahhhh. Boom, he hit the ground and right back to the polish.
Now I was half laughing inside but I knew we were at a critical place. Was he going to learn that with enough persistence he could wear me down or was I going to teach him that when I say "No" I mean it and no amount of effort will change my mind? I knew that I must teach him that I can outlast him and nothing he does will make me bend.
He reached out for the polish again, smack, little tap on the back of his hand but hard enough to make him feel it. He was SHOCKED! He looked up at me with eyes that said, "Wha..wha..dude? Don't you see I want the polish??" He reached out again, smack. A little harder now to let him know I meant business. He started to cry. Oh I hate when they push you to actually make them cry but the battle was in full force now and I couldn't back down.
This next time he didn't look at the polish but WHILE HE WAS STARING INTO MY EYES he reached out for it again. He was trying to intimidate me at 8 months!!! He got the same results...smack on the back of the hand. This went on for maybe 8 or 9 tries, big alligator tears running down his cheeks yet he still reached out again and again always with the same result from me. Until I took him in my arms and told him "no" once again and carted him out of the room.
You might ask, "Why didn't you just take him out at the beginning and avoid the whole scene?" I could have but I didn't even know it WAS a conflict until we were in it and then I was beyond the point of no return. He had to be taught that he cannot push me to the place where I will give in to his will.
The girls had similar battles whether it was bed time, waking up at night, temper tantrums, bickering, you name it! All the stuff that kids do that we, as parents, are given the responsibility to train out of them. I'm happy to say that while the kids are not perfect at all we never really had the crazy teenage years with any of our kids. They never really went wild with rebellion or anything like that. I'm convinced today that it is because we worked so hard building strong principles and structure into them in those first 5 years.
Here are a few things we learned that I think are absolutes:
1. Be CONSISTENT!
There is nothing that will confuse and frustrate your child more than inconsistency. They need to know where their boundaries are and that they are not movable or negotiable. Let your yes be yes and your no be no every time! Do NOT e weak on this! Remember you're the parent and they need you!
2. Say it one time and then follow through.
I have never understood the thing where parents tell their kids something and then when they don't obey the parent starts counting, "1, 2,..." then somewhere between 2 and 3 the kid obeys. WHAT IN THE WORLD? Why would we teach our children that it is OK to disobey 3 times (at initial ask, at 1 and at 2) before they finally obey?
Tell them what you want. Demand immediate obedience. If obedience is not given, follow through with consequences AT ONCE and do not compromise. Your children MUST learn that your word is unbreakable and if they violate it they will pay. It's their choice. Oh and when possible, discipline them in private. Don't humiliate them but let them know you don't like what they did but you respect their feelings.
3. Spend lots and lots of time having fun and laughing.
We always wanted our kids to obey, but not because it was demanded but because they didn't want to mess up the relationship. For that to happen you have to have a relationship. Everyday when those guys were little and even still with a 20 year old, 19 year old and 15 year old I still do it. We wrestle, laugh, tickle (the older they get they hate this but I don't care!), roll on the floor, hide and seek in the house, go to the park, go to the beach. We played a LOT and laughed a LOT! Bed time was so fun with piggy back rides, laughing, fun and prayer. The love is deep and they, now and then, feel the greatest pain is not from punishment but from violating the wonderful love we share.
4. Dinner time.
We read somewhere that one of the key things to developing healthy family and healthy kids was the time to touch base and talk daily. Dinner time was that key time. We always had family meal time and used that time to laugh, discuss, be together. Now as they are older and their lives are busy it's tougher but we try still.
5. Car rides.
I know it's way easier. Put on the DVD in the car while on a road trip and we get peace and quite. Well, I'd rather have chaos than have kids who never learn to get along. Car rides are great for talk, giggling, game playing, questions etc. A lot of times the kids don't remember the destination but the car rides and how much they enjoyed them.
6. When you have to discipline, tell them why and then love lots after ward.
It hurts when you have to discipline your child but some of the best times are the long hugs, kisses and "I love yous" that follow. Let them know it is their behavior that you had to punish but you will never stop loving them.
7. Be affectionate.
John Trent in his book "The Blessing" touches on this key point. Hold them a lot. Kiss them a lot. Cuddle them. Tell them you love them. Physical and verbal touches are healthy nutrients to a soul. Today my teenage daughter still holds my hand, IN PUBLIC! I still kiss my 19 year old son...yea the shoe polish kid! It's a blessing that God has given and it starts young!
8. Do not compromise spiritual things even at young ages.
Night time prayers, Bible memory games, church etc etc. Teach the kids that everything you do is because God guides us this way. Let nothing be left up to opinion. Give them a foundation that is greater than yourself. My kids don't even like going on vacation now because it means they have to miss church. Great problem.
I think there are more things to talk about here but I'm going to stop for now. For all of you with young children or those planning on having them, these principles will work but it takes EFFORT! Parenting is not for the lazy or the cowardly. I can tell you from experience, if you fight for them while they are young you will be less likely to fight with them when they are older.
In His grip,
Greg
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Marriage, Kids and Life by the Seat of My Pants Part 1: Prayer is the KEY!
It's a little less than 6 months away. Hard to believe but it's coming and I can't fight it. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not intimidated. I actually am kind of excited which is rather warped if you want to know the truth but I can't stop it so why not embrace it.
"IT"? My 50Th birthday. Yep. Crazy, I know. Except for all of you who have already passed the milestone and are rolling your eyes or chuckling to yourselves. To you it's not crazy at all. You've gotten very accustomed to AARP notices, flomax and the Doc's receptionist on a first named basis. Well, I'm close to being in the club and figured a few thoughts were due at this time of life.
As I look at 50 years from this vantage point there is one thing, no two things that excite me more than any other. Those are compliments on my kids and on my marriage. No, life is not perfect but I can't think of anything that makes me want to jump for joy more than that, except I'm afraid to strain something....
Anyway, I thought, since life and God have been very good to us regarding family, that I would take some time to write about some of the things we did that have been effective to give us (our family) the love and closeness that we really enjoy. It's important to note that I could never have written this stuff even a few years ago because I didn't know anything. I don't claim to know anything now except to say living life by the seat of your pants while trusting God is scary, exciting and more fun than a person should be able to have and on the way you learn stuff as you go. So here we go...Part 1 of who knows how many parts.....
Step 1: Prayer, prayer and more prayer
I was always afraid that when our children were born one would be handicapped. Not that we would have loved a challenged child any less but I didn't know if I had in me what it would take to be a good father to a child with a disability. Families with those challenges are heroes to me. So when Laura, our first, was born - not to mention she gave me a fright when I saw her head crown and her umbilical cord was wrapped over her head making her look like Klingon! - she was perfect in every way that I could tell and my heart, in a matter of milliseconds, was irreparably and wonderfully ruined by her.
They spanked her butt - twice because she stubbornly refused to cry the first time - they cleaned her up and then whoosh, took her away!! My mind said, "Heck no!!" and I gave chase into the little weighing and measuring room. They laid her on this freezing stainless steel trough/scale and stepped away to do something leaving me there momentarily mesmerized by this new creation.
At that moment emotion and thankfulness to God rolled over me like a wave breaking on the beach. I didn't care who was there or who saw. I got on my knees beside that little table, tears streaming down my face and I thanked God for what He had done and cried for His help to not mess this little life up. She'll be 21 next month, a Bible College student studying for the ministry and I'm as proud as ever but I am still praying.
We did the same for Erik and Audrey as they were born and as they grew we prayed together many times throughout the day; when they left for school, at meal time, at bed time, when there was discipline, when they were sick, we prayed a lot. Erik loves the Lord and is serving Him as is Audrey.
I have a prayer list that is almost illegible because it is so worn. Their names are on the top of the list. Every morning when I get up to go to pray, I pray for my family. It's the thing most often forgotten by parents but the most important thing we can give to our kids or our spouse.
Pray. Always pray. Never stop praying. Teach them to pray. Pray with them. Pray for them. Pray quietly. Pray out loud. Pray in the morning. Pray at night. Pray when they need something. Pray just to thank Him. Let them see you pray. Pray when you go out. Pray when you come in. Forgetting all else, one thing you cannot forget and that is to pray!!
Step number 1 when raising kids by the seat of your pants....get off your seat, get on your knees and pray!!!!!
In His grip,
Greg
"IT"? My 50Th birthday. Yep. Crazy, I know. Except for all of you who have already passed the milestone and are rolling your eyes or chuckling to yourselves. To you it's not crazy at all. You've gotten very accustomed to AARP notices, flomax and the Doc's receptionist on a first named basis. Well, I'm close to being in the club and figured a few thoughts were due at this time of life.
As I look at 50 years from this vantage point there is one thing, no two things that excite me more than any other. Those are compliments on my kids and on my marriage. No, life is not perfect but I can't think of anything that makes me want to jump for joy more than that, except I'm afraid to strain something....
Anyway, I thought, since life and God have been very good to us regarding family, that I would take some time to write about some of the things we did that have been effective to give us (our family) the love and closeness that we really enjoy. It's important to note that I could never have written this stuff even a few years ago because I didn't know anything. I don't claim to know anything now except to say living life by the seat of your pants while trusting God is scary, exciting and more fun than a person should be able to have and on the way you learn stuff as you go. So here we go...Part 1 of who knows how many parts.....
Step 1: Prayer, prayer and more prayer
I was always afraid that when our children were born one would be handicapped. Not that we would have loved a challenged child any less but I didn't know if I had in me what it would take to be a good father to a child with a disability. Families with those challenges are heroes to me. So when Laura, our first, was born - not to mention she gave me a fright when I saw her head crown and her umbilical cord was wrapped over her head making her look like Klingon! - she was perfect in every way that I could tell and my heart, in a matter of milliseconds, was irreparably and wonderfully ruined by her.
They spanked her butt - twice because she stubbornly refused to cry the first time - they cleaned her up and then whoosh, took her away!! My mind said, "Heck no!!" and I gave chase into the little weighing and measuring room. They laid her on this freezing stainless steel trough/scale and stepped away to do something leaving me there momentarily mesmerized by this new creation.
At that moment emotion and thankfulness to God rolled over me like a wave breaking on the beach. I didn't care who was there or who saw. I got on my knees beside that little table, tears streaming down my face and I thanked God for what He had done and cried for His help to not mess this little life up. She'll be 21 next month, a Bible College student studying for the ministry and I'm as proud as ever but I am still praying.
We did the same for Erik and Audrey as they were born and as they grew we prayed together many times throughout the day; when they left for school, at meal time, at bed time, when there was discipline, when they were sick, we prayed a lot. Erik loves the Lord and is serving Him as is Audrey.
I have a prayer list that is almost illegible because it is so worn. Their names are on the top of the list. Every morning when I get up to go to pray, I pray for my family. It's the thing most often forgotten by parents but the most important thing we can give to our kids or our spouse.
Pray. Always pray. Never stop praying. Teach them to pray. Pray with them. Pray for them. Pray quietly. Pray out loud. Pray in the morning. Pray at night. Pray when they need something. Pray just to thank Him. Let them see you pray. Pray when you go out. Pray when you come in. Forgetting all else, one thing you cannot forget and that is to pray!!
Step number 1 when raising kids by the seat of your pants....get off your seat, get on your knees and pray!!!!!
In His grip,
Greg
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
What Makes Relationships Work?
I was reading in John 1 the other day and came upon some thoughts about what makes relationships work. It seems so easy yet so hard. I'll explain.
First the context. Jesus is just beginning His earthly ministry and starts showing himself around about town. He gets baptized and the whole voice from heaven and dove landing on Him thing sure started people talking. John announces that He is the Savior they have been waiting for. But how do you, like, start a conversation and hopefully a friendship with a guy like this? Jesus actually gives a blueprint in verses 35-51 that is pretty practical. There are 4 steps and it works!!
1. Ask questions - When the guys came to Jesus he simply asked them, "What do you want?" I've found that the best conversations I have are the result of good questions. Jesus took interest and asked them a question drawing them in. The best place to start when you meet someone new or to keep the fire hot in familiar relationships is to ask questions!!!
Examples of good questions:
What was it like for you growing up?
What did you most enjoy doing as a child?
What was the best vacation you ever had?
How would you define your best day?
Tell me about what you love to do.
Then LISTEN!!!
2. Invitation - when Jesus asked the guys what they wanted they got a bit tongue tied and didn't really know what to say. Of all the things they could have asked the Son of God, they said, "Where are you staying?". Jesus gets this though. He knows they are nervous. He eases their tension and invites them into His world. He simply says, "Come and you will see." Jesus invites them into His life.
Are you an invitor of do you often wait to be invited? There is a WONDERFULLY freeing moment that happens in life when we're hanging in relationship limbo like a new elementary school kid on a strange playground, and someone says, "Hey, wanna come?". Invite someone to come along. For a meal, a game, a drive, an evening in the back yard chatting....even if they can't come, the invitation is there and it's freeing!
3. Add personal value - as they spent time together Jesus speaks to Simon and one of the first things He does is give Him a nick name. He actually changes his name from Simon to "Peter" which means Rock. Jesus was adding value to him. "You might think you're a fisherman and that you don't have a lot to offer but I see a ROCK!!"
This is not to be confused with flattery which is complimenting someone for one's own selfish purposes. But instead add value. Notice something good, important, interesting, pleasant, talented about the person and tell them what you see! Be generous with your words, they are life changing!
Examples might be:
You have the greatest laugh, smile etc.
You really handled that situation well. I admire that about you.
I noticed how you helped that person over there. Thank you for being so kind.
You really are good at ___________ I'm blessed to see you in action.
Add value to people. You'll never be short of friends!
4. Be open - Jesus added value to Peter but a little later He also added value to Nathanael. He said, "Here is a man and there is nothing false about him." Nathanael pressed in to that. He was welcomed and felt valued. Then Jesus opened Himself up to him. "You shall see greater things that this. You'll see heaven and earth opened up and you'll see the angels ascend and descend on me." WOW, He never said that before. He was opening up to him.
Don't be afraid of revealing yourself. It says to people, "I trust you with knowing me. I feel safe with you and I want you to know me." What an honor to have someone allow you to know them.
This is not to say that you must open up your deepest darkest on first introduction but as you grow deeper the revelation can be deeper. Letting someone know you is the greatest of compliments.
These 4 steps can really make your relationships work:
1. Learn to ask honest and sincere questions. Then listen.
2. Invite people into your world.
3. Add value to them.
4. Be open with them.
You'll make new friends and the ones you have will go deeper!
Enjoy your friends!!
In His grip,
Greg
First the context. Jesus is just beginning His earthly ministry and starts showing himself around about town. He gets baptized and the whole voice from heaven and dove landing on Him thing sure started people talking. John announces that He is the Savior they have been waiting for. But how do you, like, start a conversation and hopefully a friendship with a guy like this? Jesus actually gives a blueprint in verses 35-51 that is pretty practical. There are 4 steps and it works!!
1. Ask questions - When the guys came to Jesus he simply asked them, "What do you want?" I've found that the best conversations I have are the result of good questions. Jesus took interest and asked them a question drawing them in. The best place to start when you meet someone new or to keep the fire hot in familiar relationships is to ask questions!!!
Examples of good questions:
What was it like for you growing up?
What did you most enjoy doing as a child?
What was the best vacation you ever had?
How would you define your best day?
Tell me about what you love to do.
Then LISTEN!!!
2. Invitation - when Jesus asked the guys what they wanted they got a bit tongue tied and didn't really know what to say. Of all the things they could have asked the Son of God, they said, "Where are you staying?". Jesus gets this though. He knows they are nervous. He eases their tension and invites them into His world. He simply says, "Come and you will see." Jesus invites them into His life.
Are you an invitor of do you often wait to be invited? There is a WONDERFULLY freeing moment that happens in life when we're hanging in relationship limbo like a new elementary school kid on a strange playground, and someone says, "Hey, wanna come?". Invite someone to come along. For a meal, a game, a drive, an evening in the back yard chatting....even if they can't come, the invitation is there and it's freeing!
3. Add personal value - as they spent time together Jesus speaks to Simon and one of the first things He does is give Him a nick name. He actually changes his name from Simon to "Peter" which means Rock. Jesus was adding value to him. "You might think you're a fisherman and that you don't have a lot to offer but I see a ROCK!!"
This is not to be confused with flattery which is complimenting someone for one's own selfish purposes. But instead add value. Notice something good, important, interesting, pleasant, talented about the person and tell them what you see! Be generous with your words, they are life changing!
Examples might be:
You have the greatest laugh, smile etc.
You really handled that situation well. I admire that about you.
I noticed how you helped that person over there. Thank you for being so kind.
You really are good at ___________ I'm blessed to see you in action.
Add value to people. You'll never be short of friends!
4. Be open - Jesus added value to Peter but a little later He also added value to Nathanael. He said, "Here is a man and there is nothing false about him." Nathanael pressed in to that. He was welcomed and felt valued. Then Jesus opened Himself up to him. "You shall see greater things that this. You'll see heaven and earth opened up and you'll see the angels ascend and descend on me." WOW, He never said that before. He was opening up to him.
Don't be afraid of revealing yourself. It says to people, "I trust you with knowing me. I feel safe with you and I want you to know me." What an honor to have someone allow you to know them.
This is not to say that you must open up your deepest darkest on first introduction but as you grow deeper the revelation can be deeper. Letting someone know you is the greatest of compliments.
These 4 steps can really make your relationships work:
1. Learn to ask honest and sincere questions. Then listen.
2. Invite people into your world.
3. Add value to them.
4. Be open with them.
You'll make new friends and the ones you have will go deeper!
Enjoy your friends!!
In His grip,
Greg
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
What I believe....so far......
What I believe…..so far…..
I believe…
• God is in control so I never need to worry. Worry is a sin.
• God trusts me to accomplish His work and depends on me.
• In the Bible to change lives. Truth cannot be compromised or manipulated,
ever.
• In prayer to change me and change others and circumstances.
• In the Holy Spirit and His work to sanctify me, teach me and guide me. I
never have to guess, ever.
• That a dynamic Sunday experience/corporate encounter with God changes lives.
• That small groups build relationships best and facilitate and maintain
spiritual growth the best.
• In training leaders and setting them free.
• Cheering on those who surpass you. It is your life in them. Their
excellence should be my greatest joy.
• In missions
• Giving is the key. Always be generous with everything. Money, words, time,
love.
• In grace and patience to heal.
• In being a life-long learner.
• The learning power of a mistake.
• Love is never greater than when it confronts. Lack of confrontation = self
preservation and that is not Godly.
• Fear is our worst enemy. Laziness is the 2nd. Ungodliness encompasses both.
• In pushing outside of comfort in order to grow. The comfort zone is a no
growth zone.
• Treating workers well.
• Calculated risks.
• Acceptance of all.
• Love building others up is the key to healthy church.
• Changed lives change lives.
• In team and strong leadership.
• Honest evaluation to get the best out of people.
• An environment of total acceptance is necessary for successful evaluation.
• In coaching not dictating.
• In self starters
• That effective ministry does not cost a lot of money.
• People will go through the fire for you if they know you love them. A key
to loving them is letting them know you. Vulnerability is a key to loving
them.
• In family priority and healthy boundaries.
• In the 1st ask.
• In calling back.
• Selfless servants make the best teammates.
• Faithful with a little = faithful with much.
• Nothing is insignificant. Everything great started small.
• Doing what you said you would do.
• In being polite.
• In preferring others. Your most urgent needs are most important to you, not
them. Deal with that and don’t get hurt when their enthusiasm doesn’t match
yours.
• Living so that the needs of others ARE REALLY more important than my own.
• In the power of position. I am a Pastor and that is important to people.
• In honoring authority.
• That no one does it alone. You stand on someone else’s shoulders.
• Taking someone with you.
• Small things change lives.
• In the power of words.
• In modeling and the ripple effect.
• People change lives but common events/tasks bring people together.
• There is no greater bonding experience than a shared trial.
• The long journey.
I believe…
• God is in control so I never need to worry. Worry is a sin.
• God trusts me to accomplish His work and depends on me.
• In the Bible to change lives. Truth cannot be compromised or manipulated,
ever.
• In prayer to change me and change others and circumstances.
• In the Holy Spirit and His work to sanctify me, teach me and guide me. I
never have to guess, ever.
• That a dynamic Sunday experience/corporate encounter with God changes lives.
• That small groups build relationships best and facilitate and maintain
spiritual growth the best.
• In training leaders and setting them free.
• Cheering on those who surpass you. It is your life in them. Their
excellence should be my greatest joy.
• In missions
• Giving is the key. Always be generous with everything. Money, words, time,
love.
• In grace and patience to heal.
• In being a life-long learner.
• The learning power of a mistake.
• Love is never greater than when it confronts. Lack of confrontation = self
preservation and that is not Godly.
• Fear is our worst enemy. Laziness is the 2nd. Ungodliness encompasses both.
• In pushing outside of comfort in order to grow. The comfort zone is a no
growth zone.
• Treating workers well.
• Calculated risks.
• Acceptance of all.
• Love building others up is the key to healthy church.
• Changed lives change lives.
• In team and strong leadership.
• Honest evaluation to get the best out of people.
• An environment of total acceptance is necessary for successful evaluation.
• In coaching not dictating.
• In self starters
• That effective ministry does not cost a lot of money.
• People will go through the fire for you if they know you love them. A key
to loving them is letting them know you. Vulnerability is a key to loving
them.
• In family priority and healthy boundaries.
• In the 1st ask.
• In calling back.
• Selfless servants make the best teammates.
• Faithful with a little = faithful with much.
• Nothing is insignificant. Everything great started small.
• Doing what you said you would do.
• In being polite.
• In preferring others. Your most urgent needs are most important to you, not
them. Deal with that and don’t get hurt when their enthusiasm doesn’t match
yours.
• Living so that the needs of others ARE REALLY more important than my own.
• In the power of position. I am a Pastor and that is important to people.
• In honoring authority.
• That no one does it alone. You stand on someone else’s shoulders.
• Taking someone with you.
• Small things change lives.
• In the power of words.
• In modeling and the ripple effect.
• People change lives but common events/tasks bring people together.
• There is no greater bonding experience than a shared trial.
• The long journey.
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